


y.o.u (year of us)

by daephylleia



Series: the misconceptions of love [1]
Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: M/M, angst angst and more angst, idk i’m sorry i was just emotional over them after the whole jenkai thing came out, no death or anything just sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 10:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17506973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daephylleia/pseuds/daephylleia
Summary: Taemin just wants to know why.





	y.o.u (year of us)

It started with a phone call. 

"It's three in the morning." This isn't a question. Taemin doesn't know why he's awake and why Jongin wants to talk right now. But it's three am and he's half asleep. 

"I know..." The voice on the other end of the line confirms. Jongin's normally soft, honey voice sounds tense and Taemin hates that he can tell from just two words. "We should talk," Jongin suggests and well, Taemin agrees with that but, " _It's three in the morning_ ," he repeats, hoping Jongin will understand just why he isn't exactly in the mood to carry out a conversation. 

Jongin huffs on the other end and Taemin realizes maybe he's being a bit harsh, though he'd be more inclined to respond nicer if it weren't an ungodly time of day. They don't need words and Taemin knows Jongin isn't going to talk until Taemin has agreed. "Right now?" Taemin questions, his voice thick with sleep. He's not sure if he can hold himself to the promise of getting up to meet Jongin. 

"Tomorrow I guess," his friend relents. Taemin lets out a thankful sigh, "I'll pick you up." He hangs up and promptly falls asleep. His Japan tour has taken a toll on his body and hours of sleep and he fully intends to spend the next few days off making up for lost time. 

\--

The first thing Taemin notices when Jongin climbs into the passenger seat is that his hair is flat. He reaches over - hand on auto pilot - to fluff it up, only to retract it when an odd feeling runs through his chest. It feels off. "Bad sleep?" he asks his friend and Jongin's eyes sparkle, curving upwards in a sad sort of smile, "Something like that yeah."

Taemin isn't sure where he's heading until he gets there. It's some little side road that leads them to a small lake with a few hiking trails around it. The kind of place where couples park to make out away from their lives. To be a secret. He doesn't like that his brain automatically took them here. 

They sit in silence for a bit, the tension thick and heavy between them though it's not the tension Taemin has grown accustomed to. The tension that lead to an absence of clothes and harsh breaths. No. This tension has a finality to it. "Why are we here?" Taemin asks. His voice sounds strained even to his own ears. It's not _his_ voice. 

"You've been ignoring me," Jongin states rather bluntly. He's not looking at Taemin but the hurt radiates off him in waves. 

Taemin wants to deny it. Wants to say it was accidental. Their schedules haven't lined up. He's been busy. But the truth is, even before when they'd both had comebacks at the same time, they found a way to see each other. The truth is, Taemin _has_ been ignoring Jongin. The truth is, Taemin feels like his insides are going to shrivel up every time he so much as thinks about Jongin. "I...have," Taemin answers even though it wasn't a question. 

Jongin nods at this. Taemin looks out the window to the trees surrounding them. They're the only car here. There's no way he's getting out of this. He shouldn't have agreed to come. He's got every emotion possible swimming through his head and there is only one outcome of the conversation they're about to have. He doesn't want to hear it. "Why?" That single word cuts through Taemin's thoughts and he turns back to face Jongin, his face now stoned over. 

"Why?" Taemin's voice sounds foreign to him when he whisper shouts the word. Jongin looks like he'd been slapped in the face and maybe Taemin takes a little pride in that. "You want to ask _me_ why I'm ignoring you?" And he's gone too far to stop now, the floodgates have opened and every thought, every emotion, every little thing Taemin has thought since the news New Year's Day brought him, comes rushing out. "I want to ask you fucking why? Why didn't you tell me anything? Why did I find out from Naver? Why couldn't my best fucking friend, or whatever you are now, tell me he's dating someone! Why her? So before you go asking me why, you should answer the question yourself." 

By the end of Taemin's questioning, Jongin is on the edge of his seat, apparently readied with his answer already. "Because you asshole! You left me first! You're the one who decided to have this tour and spend all of your free days away from me. We used to see each other every day. Tell each other everything. There wasn't a secret kept or free time spent apart and you left. And it hurt Taemin." He hates the way Jongin spits his name like that. Hates it. 

"We have to grow up some time Jongin! We can't spend every second together! I've got a lot on my plate okay. It can't be like it used to but that doesn't mean you...you go," Taemin breaks off, his hands waving in front of his face, "Sleep with someone else! What am I supposed to do when the guy I - care about suddenly starts dating someone and actually apparently been dating her for a few months? What am I supposed to think? Why couldn't you just tell me? Why this way?" He tries to make sure his voice doesn't do anything weak, like crack because he's not upset. He knew this would eventually happen. He knew. And for a little while he let himself believe. And oh how dumb he was. 

His friend sits for a moment, not looking at him. He isn’t sure if he can handle meeting Jongin’s eyes. 

“She makes me happy,” is all Jongin replies with. The radio plays something during their silence. Whatever it is it’s sad and Taemin would turn it off but he’s not sure what’s worse. Silence or a sad song. He sits. 

“And I don’t?” 

“I never said that.”

“But I’m not worth it. That’s what you’re telling me?”

Jongin turns on him, his face contorted into a frown that Taemin wants to smooth away but he’s the reason it’s there. “That’s not true. Stop putting words in my mouth Taemin.” 

“Then tell me why I found out from everyone except you,” Taemin relents. His voice sounds rough. Broken. And maybe he is. He’s always tried his best his whole life to hide his emotions. To put a damper on them or push them aside entirely. Hell, his whole career is based on catering to other people’s emotions and happiness. But this? This is not something Taemin is used to. Heartbreak. He’s already had plenty. 

“Do you think it would’ve been easy? To look you in the eyes, my best friend since school, my other half who knows me more than I know me, that I’ve found someone I like.” Jongin’s voice shakes and Taemin is torn. He wants Jongin to feel what he feels. But he so badly aches to take that pain away. 

“You like her but do you love me?” He knows he’s being unfair by asking that but he wants to hear it. “Because I lo-,” 

“Don’t.” Jongin’s voice cuts him off firmly. He points a finger at Taemin. “Don’t do that. That’s not fair to me.”

“This whole situation is unfair to me too!” Taemin nearly yells. “Am I not allowed to be upset over the person I l-care about?”

“Stop saying that.” 

“What?”

“Don’t tell me you love me. Don’t do that please,” Jongin pleads and his voice sounds broken too and Taemin wants to laugh. 

“What’s so wrong with that? Why can’t I love you Jongin?”

Silence. Again. Taemin gets out of the car. He needs to be away. 

He walks to the wooden boat dock that leads out into the small lake. When he sits on the edge, his feet dangle over and the tips brush the top  
of the lake. 

He wants to close his eyes and go back to sleep. Wake up into a world where Jongin returns his love. Where he wakes up next to Jongin every morning and not just after he gets a call in the early hours of the morning that Jongin “needs him”. A world where he isn’t feeling this dull ache in his chest where his heart wants to force it’s way out through his rib cage. 

“You weren’t supposed to love me.” Jongin’s voice sounds from behind him. Taemin registers a warmth beside him but doesn’t turn to face his friend. 

“Well I did anyways. I guess I’m just a fool,” Taemin replies. He picks at the rips in his jeans. Glances at the moon reflecting off the water and his heart clenches painfully for another reason. He just wants to sleep. He should have never picked up his phone. 

“Even if I returned your feelings, there’s no way it could work Taemin. You know that. Not for us. There’s no happy ending for us.” Taemin hates that he’s right. But hearing those words. He hasn’t cried in a while but at the moment he feels the burning behind his eyes of tears threatening to spill over. 

“You’re too good of a guy to cheat on her, so I guess that’s the end of whatever that was we did,” Taemin says and it’s not a question but he kind of wants an answer anyways. 

He can feel Jongin nod through the way his shoulders move in the slightest. Taemin nods his head along too, knowing this day would come. 

“Okay,” Taemin says. There’s nothing else to say. They’re done. Any hope of a normal friendship between them. Over. He’s not sure what he feels. Emptiness? Regret? Anything? He’s lost a best friend and a lover in the same moment. “Alright,” he finds himself repeating. “Let’s go then.”

“I’m sorry,” Jongin tries when they return to the car. He at least has it in his heart to truly appear sorry. “You know how I feel about you. I cant do that to her,” he adds. And no. Taemin doesn’t know how he feels but he doesn’t care anymore. 

“Don’t apologize. You were right anyways. There was no good way for this to end. I’m happy you found at least one person who makes you happy,” Taemin replies and he knows what he just said was unfair but he can’t help but to be a little angry. 

The rest of the ride back is spent in silence. Taemin doesn’t think. He clears his mind and just. Drives. 

He parks and doesn’t bother looking at Jongin when he steps out of the car. Before Taemin pulls away Jongin taps on the window. Taemin has half a thought to keep it rolled up. 

“Taemin I am...sorry. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“It’s fine.”

Jongin gives him a look and now really isn’t the time for his ‘best friend antics’. Taemin starts to back out of the parking space but Jongin grabs into the window. “Taemin I-“

Taemin looks at him. Stomps on that little flicker of hope that tries to light deep inside his heart. Jongin has a look on his face that Taemin can’t decipher, but it’s gone in a second. His shoulders drop and he looks like he’s realized something. “I’ll see you at the airport for the SMTown thing,” is all Jongin says. 

“Yes. You will,” Taemin doesn’t keep the edge out of his tone. 

Jongin gives him one last look that is so full of emotions that Taemin looks away before Jongin actually pulls his face away from the window. 

When he does finally leave Taemin sits and stares at the steering wheel of the car. He lets one single tear fall before pulling out of the parking space and driving home. 

He’s greeted by Adam and Eve at the door and an empty bed when he lies down. Only then does he let himself ache.

**Author's Note:**

> edit as of 1/25/19: jenkai broke up apparently eye- all this angst and for nothing oof


End file.
